| Moogie campaign |
| Ramsey, VA--The first ever presidential debate to be held in Wise County took place Thursday night at the Municipal Building in Ramsey. The event was unique in that Moogie was the only candidate to show up, thought to be a first for a debate of any kind. Couch Party strategist Gogi Ishiir moderated, primarily because no moderators would agree to show up either, also a first. Ishii: Moogie, thanks for agreeing to be here tonight. I can't help but notice that we're the only two present. What does that say about your campaign? Moogie: First, let me start by thanking you for moderating, and lifting me out of the car. Gogo I think tonight's attendance speaks for itself. The absence of my opponents clearly demonstrates a fear of facing me on the tough issues that confront our country, or possibly susceptibility to animal dander allergies. Either is distressing. As for the general public, they have obviously decided that what they've heard from the Moogie/Basil ticket is good enough for them and they don't need any more persuading. This is a great day for America. |
| Around the USA |
Iahii: That's good logic. Speaking of logic, and given your recent statements regarding fleas, what are your thoughts on the primary use of this building as a staging ground for flea markets? Moogie: Gogo, I think this building is symbolic of the injustice fleas face every day. As far as I know, fleas are neither sold nor bought at flea markets. Nor are they merchants. And if they were sold or bought, although I personally don't think there is truly a market for them, that would be in direct violation of the Thirteenth Amendment. So, there are neither fleas nor a market for them involved here. Thus, this isn't logical at all, and it's kind of demeaning. I would prefer a more appropriate name for these functions, like "Useless Junk Nonetheless Overpriced Fairs." Ishii: What's up with the "neither/nor" statements? Moogie: Cool, huh? Ishii: Indeed. How does your view of flea markets jive with your vow to eradicate fleas? Moogie: Whoa now cowgirl! Aggressive fleas will be brought to justice, not the passive kind that just lay around and die after a few days. Aggressive fleas should be, and will be, vigorously dealt with. The civilized ones will be left alone to die an agonizing but dignified death. It's a win-win. Ishii: Thanks for the clarification. Will you pursue a similar strategy in regard to DPG? Moogie: Ah, DPG. No Gogo, that strategy will be different. Dog Pecker Gnats really serve no purpose, at least no productive or pleasant purpose. Essentially, they exist to buzz around the holiest of holies, with an occasionally kamikaze situation. That's unacceptable and must be stopped. But I'm not without passion. I realize that DPG are socialized to act the way they do. I will implement an education program to train them to pollinate plant life, or possibly focus their energies strictly on orbiting and occasionally landing on golfers' heads. Dan Hall Mountain has already shown that this strategy can succeed. Of course if this plan works, we'll have to come up with a new name for DPG. But that would be a welcome challenge! Ishii: And if your plan doesn't work? Moogie: Plan B can be summed up in four words: Raid Flying Insect Killer. Ishii: I own stock in that company! Moogie: Don't sell just yet! --(Both laugh) Ishii: Would you provide protection for gnats relocated to golf courses? Moogie: No, they're on their own. Dogs aren't allowed on golf courses. You know, rolling balls and all. For some reason, golfers aren't capable of appreciating the pageantry and honor of the game of Fetch. They'll hit the ball hundreds of yards, drive or even walk all the way to it, hit it a hundred yards or more again, then drive or walk to it again! This goes on and on. They get really upset if you do something nice like go get the ball for them. I've seen my housekeeper Emmitt do this over 70 times--in the first nine holes! Ishii: Bizarre! Moogie: You're telling me. Ishii: Tell us about your plans for the improvement of automobiles. Moogie: I've seen way too many good petizens sent to that big farm in the sky thanks to the business end of an automobile. My plan is simple. By 2011, all new automobiles will be required to weigh less than eight pounds. And the tires will be required to be composed entirely of feathers or marshmallows. That should adequately protect just about everyone, except possibly toy Pomeranians. Unfortunately, we can't save them all. Ishii: Won't that be a harsh blow to the automobile industry? Moogie: I prefer to look at it as a boom to both the feather and marshmallow industries. Our feathered friends would suddenly have much more leverage than they do now. Pillows and dusters can only take you so far. Vote Moogie! Ishii: Wouldn't marshmallow tires melt? Moogie: You're obviously referring to global warming, and this plan addresses that crisis also. An eight pound car would require less power than is produced by a standard electromagnet that can be found at any middle school science fair. It's not rocket science, it's eight grade science--literally. And electromagnets produce no greenhouse gases. None! We estimate that this would reduce greenhouse gas emissions by approximately 100%. Plus, this would put a whole new emphasis on science in our public school system. Do you see how the Moogie/Basil Plan connects all the dots? It's perfectly circular, like a brand new Frisbee. And needless to say, we're pretty fond of Frisbees. Ishii: But would an eight pound car be an effective transportation device? Moogie: Absolutely not, and that's the beauty of it. Who really got the shaft when automobiles came along, other than road kill, of course? Horses, that's who! Think about it--horses used to be employed pulling trailers, now trailers pull horses. How absurd is that? A horse's life now consists of hanging around on barnyard corners smoking and drinking, waiting around for the Kentucky Derby to call and preparing to be turned into glue. We want to restore dignity and hope to the horse world. More clip-clop, less car-in-the-shop. That's one of our motto's. Ishii: Catchy. Moogie, you've really provided some strong viewpoints on a wide range of topics, and I'm sure you're exhausted. Plus, Survivor comes on in 20 minutes... Moogie: And I really need to pee-pee-poopie.... Ishii: Right, let's make this the last one. What's your reaction to the relentless taunting you've endured on the campaign trail, specifically calls of "Where's that kitty", "I'm....going to bed" and "Fartface"? Moogie: Gogo, to be perfectly candid, hearing those awful words just now gave me an almost uncontrollable urge to spin in circles and yip like someone was holding a T-Bonz just out of my reach. ALMOST!! Those days are over. As a wise man once said, when I was young and dumb, I was young and dumb. I'm fully mature now and have put all of that behind me. If you consider that one human year equals seven dog years, then I haven't exhibited that kind of behavior in more than one year. Ishii: One dog year or one human year? Moogie: You do the math. Ishii: Uh...well, I guess that could mean just a couple of months or so.... Moogie: Maybe you can use the numbers on the checks I sign to help you out with that multiplication. Ishii: Or division... Moogie: MULTIPLICATION!! Ishii: Oh, yeah...of course, one full year it is, obviously. Moogie: Riiiight. Okay, are we about ready to wrap this puppy up? --(Both laugh) Ishii: Absolutely. Thanks for your time, and good luck in your bid for the presidency. I hope to see you in some other states during your campaign for president! Moogie: You know it. I have my Doggy Demerol ready. Thank you Gogo. Hey, is that a fire hydrant over there? |
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