| From Swift and Slow Dogs For Truth, a non-partisan organization dedicated to reporting the events of the 2008 presidential election that the corporate controlled media would prefer you not know. NORTON--A campaign stop at the Norton Wal-Mart ended in chaos when a loud dispute between Couch Party candidate Moo Goo the Magnificent and a local environmental terrorist resulted in a smoky and controversial fiasco. Local residents say that a mysterious man known only as "Mr. Green," because of his radical views and attacks on the environment, caused a stir when he started up his 1989 Chevy Suburban, dubbed the Green Machine, and released a cloud of noxious fumes that spread over more than half of the Wal-Mart parking lot. Presidential candidate Moogie, VP candidate Basil, and Couch Party cohort Violet were preparing to be lifted into a car a few spaces away. They had been handing out Raw-Hides and T-Bonz treats in the pets section of Wal-Mart in an effort to garner support in the upcoming November election. According to eyewitnesses, the Couch Party members began loudly berating "Mr. Green". Green responded by pumping the accelerator, increasing the emission of deadly greenhouse gases from the rusty tailpipe bound to the rear of the white Suburban by fishing line. |
Melissa Moore, exiting the store after just purchasing a Weekly World News,
witnessed the scene. "I was putting my bags in the trunk," said Moore, "and
suddenly a thick, gagging cloud of white smoke completely enveloped me. Next
thing I knew, I heard shouts of "Unleash the beast!!" and "Release the hounds!!"
coming from the general direction of the candidates, whom I'm voting for by the
way. At that point, I'm pretty sure I saw Moogie running around "Mr. Green's"
vehicle urinating on the tires. Then "Mr. Green" started yelling "Disengage!
Disengage!" and pulled that big white land yacht out of the three parking spaces
it had been occupying."
Other witnesses reported hearing the shouts, although most admitted that the
combination of battlefield-like smoke and overwhelming, guttural howling may
have obscured their recollections.
Couch Party strategist Gogo Ishii commented "The Moogie/Basil ticket and
everyone involved with the campaign respects and supports the City of Norton's
leash law, and I can assure you that at no time was that law violated. The emotion
of the moment may have led to some heated exchanges, but at no time were the
candidates unrestrained."
Later, Moogie held a news conference to address the fracas, saying "I truly
thought the vehicle was on fire due to the immense amount of smoke pouring
from the cargo area. Lacking opposable thumbs and access to an alternate
water source, I attempted to extinguish the fire with the only means available to
me. Although the instrument of terror known as the Green Machine needs to be
melted down, I couldn't stand by and watch someone go down with it. I regret the
misunderstanding, but not the quick thinking and decisive leadership I exhibited.
Plus, if that vehicle weight eight pounds instead of eight thousand, and were
powered by an electromagnet instead of a coal stove or whatever it is, as I have
proposed, none of this would have happened. No wet tires, a healthier ozone,
and more harmony in the world. That's the Moogie/Basil plan. Vote Moogie in
November!"
While the altercation raged in the parking lot, a Wal-Mart employee called the
Norton Fire Department. As the first truck arrived, "Mr. Green's" vehicle was
spotted merging onto US 23 heading toward Abingdon, VA. Following the plume
of smoke, the fire truck pursued the Suburban, pulling alongside it at a traffic light
near Lowe's in Wise. Lowe's employee Steve "Shaker" Smith witnessed the
encounter. "It was hard to see because of the smoke, but the fire truck pulled up
beside the larger white truck and began blasting it with a water cannon. I heard
someone shouting "Disengage! Disengage!" Then the light turned green and
both trucks took off. I don't know what happened after that." The Norton Fire
Department declined to comment on the incident other than to assure the
community that the Suburban "no longer posed a credible threat."
Reached at home, "Mr. Green" attempted to distance himself from his notorious
past by saying "I would imagine they call me Mr. Green because that's my name.
My Suburban has a valid and up to date inspection sticker, and is now really,
really clean. Other than that, I have no idea what all of this is about. Please don't
contact me via this channel again." Mr. Green, if that is his real name, would not
answer subsequent calls.
Despite the controversy, the Moogie campaign doesn't plan to avoid Wal-Mart in
the future. Moogie campaign researcher Dirk Vega explained the rationale,
saying "My research indicates that while barely 50% of eligible voters show up at
the polls on election day, more than 98% of eligible voters visit Wal-Mart on a
weekly basis. In fact, we would like to see voting booths installed at Wal-Mart,
possibly beside the Star Wars DVD box set or near the photo-developing kiosk.
Develop your pictures, pick up a trilogy about the struggle of good versus evil,
and change the course of this country--all in one place that you're going to be
anyway!" Vega's research has been questioned in the past, most recently when
he concluded that most attractive women desperately desire chubby, bald men
.Gogo Ishii defends Vega by pointing out that the vast majority of his
questionable conclusions came before his two stints in rehab. "In fact," adds
Ishii, "Dirk is so dedicated to improving that he will be returning to rehab next
week." When asked how the campaign plans to replace the insight that Vega's
research provides the ticket, Ishii said "We've secured the purchase of a Magic
Eight Ball."
The Moogie/Basil campaign will be making stops next week at the Culbertson
Family Fun Center in Guest River and Double Kwik #8 in Norton. A rally two in
two weeks at Tops-N-Bottoms in Wise promises to provide exciting news, and
Swift and Slow Dogs For Truth will be there to deliver unbiased reporting.
| Throwdown at Wal-Mart |
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