Moogie Responds to Flea Charges

West Norton--Couch Party nominee Moo Goo the Magnificent was forced to
clarify his position in regard to fleas on Wednesday amid growing criticism
from the flea community as well as various animals who involuntarily harbor
fleas. Earlier in the week, Flippy the flea, a resident of Scout (Golden Retriever,
Esserville) called attention to the Moogie Campaign's claim that the
administration would seek to eliminate "aggressive" fleas. "Exactly what
makes a flea aggressive?" asked Flippy at the flea circus where he is
employed. "Sure, I bite, but dude, I have to live! I mean, all I really have in life is
jumping and biting. I'm a flea!! They're going to get us all, I tell you!"

While the flea community is suspicous of the Moogie campaign's true
intentions, animals across the region, both wild and domesticated, voiced
concern for their own safety. Many are concerned with the campaign's
assertion that not only will aggressive fleas be targeted, but so will any animal
who supports or harbors fleas. Bounce, a border collie from Guest River, said
"Man, I've tried like hell to get rid of these fleas. I mean I scratch all day, roll
around as much as possible, I even lick myself in ways I'm not proud of trying
to root these things out. I can't get rid of them! This goofy pink Hartz collar is
three years old, and the last time I checked Wal-Mart wasn't just handing new
ones out." Bounce has been a resident of the Culbertson farm for the last
seven years. "I've done all I can do. It's not like I can go down to the river every
day and drown these suckers. Somebody has to stay here and work. These
cars won't chase themselves." Bounce also said that occasionally he
intentionally rubs up on electric fences in an effort to electrocute the fleas, with
painful results. "Evidently fleas are not grounded," said Bounce, "but I sure as
hell am."

Moogie campaign spokescanine Ming Li attempted to reassure both the flea
community and the animal community at large. "The Moogie administration will
specifically target only those fleas who have demonstrated an unsatiable
appetite for animal flesh. We have a list. As long as your not on it, you're fine!"
When asked for a copy of the list, Ming Li said that unfortunately the copier was
broken. As for animals, Ming Li said "Any animal that is routinely taking a flea
bath or visiting a certified veterinarian, as far as we're concerned, is doing their
part to fight the war on fleas. Cows that are slapping at fleas with their tails,
cats rubbing up against doorways, anything like that demonstrates a
commitment, and that's all we're asking for." Asked about the consequences
for not demonstrating commitment, Ming Li said "We hope that the Flea-free
Act will expand and strengthen Animal Control Officers' rights. Let's just say
that if you're not with us, you're against us. And if you're against us, then you
had better have a collar, a name tag, a rabies tag, and a really good reason for
being out of your yard."

When told of Bounce's situation, Ming Li said the administration had
intelligence that Bounce spends most of his day laying in the shade and
humping an old tire. "That tire is right beside the river, but he never gets wet.
And we're not sure the licking is in any way related to fleas, by the way."

The Moogie campaign will be expounding on this and other topics in a press
conference at the satellite dish on Friday.