When I have me time -my sons in bed and my boyfriend is … unavailable- I sit wrapped in my soft comforting robe that Elmer got me and I think, WOW. How did I ever get here?

Trying to retrace the path makes me nauseous because of the zigzag nature. I don’t have it in me tonight … to go over all that.

The Cure. They are Kiss for the dark generation.

The Fleet Foxes will be to England as the Beetles were to us.

Enya, very few love. She is like a once in a lifetime experience, such as visiting another country or having a child. To hear her is to experience a different… way of existence? You may be doubtful until you hear the oboe. Listening to her creates a better movie in my head than Twilight could ever wanna create. I’m not picking on Twilight. I’m almost done with the third book.

Don Quixote. Who doesn’t fall in love with a man that sees it all? Who doesn’t fall in love with a man that endlessly fights to help children with no food and continuously tries to stop the fighting? What about injustice? Hell, he is after that too. He may not be the knight on the white horse, but he sooooo wants to be. See… it’s hard to change the world even when you’re famous. Sometimes it just … well, it beats the shit out of you. Ode to Big Blue is yet another example. I could list many more. That’s why Mom loved him so much. See, he felt the weight of the World on his shoulders.

Raggedy Ann … that’s how I feel a lot. I have to be honest. I’m thinking of you Jackie and Miss Kaye. I soooo wish that I could fix it or take it away. I so would. I really would. It fuckng sucks. It sucks ass.

David and Cherylynn. Sorry to say it together but that’s how I remember you. Hot, sticky, and hard rain weather. Green lushes grass with swamps that beckon for you to get close. Ha… only foreigners to the South think they can get close up and personal with the swamp because they don’t believe they will be sucked in. HA! HAAA! Wait…. HAAAAA!

Cat. I have learned the true meaning of the word Bitch. Thank you so very much for sharing that with me. I will love you forever. I will definitely think of you on my deathbed. You will never know the impact that you had on my life. I only hope that I get to see you again in this lifetime. If not, I know that we are repeat clientele. I WILL see you again and you me.

To be continued….

Tonight I cannot say everything I want to say. The combinations of emotions that run through me are absurd. One moment I’m grateful, the next I’m upset, and the next I am heartbroken. I’ve been crying off and on all-night.

As some of you know my family is in Washington. I miss them deeply all the time. I miss Washington State. I miss all things about it. Yes, even the rain.

John and I have lived a good deal of places and we landed here in the Virginia/Kentucky area. When we arrived here we had people that instantly took us in like family; I guess because in a strange way we are. Maybe I started off as just a bystander. After all, I am the mother of their grandchild and great-grandchild. That didn’t matter though. We clicked, almost instantly. It’s not because they are fake; it’s because they are real. I’m the odd one out, but I was never “not invited” to their house because it might be uncomfortable. My ex is my ex because we never should have been married. I have no problem being around him or his wife. Let’s break open the Champaign so we can toast their marriage.

I write this tonight because my John’s great grandpa, Papa John, passed away last night. He was such a charming man and always so kind to us. On his ninetieth birthday I struggled over what to bring him. He is a photo man. He has a wall full of photos that span years covering an entire wall in his house. I gently placed multiple photos in a dark cherry wood shadowbox. I included one photo of me, my ex, and my John at High Knob. I was a little worried that he may find it inappropriate because Bryan and I were no longer married. I loved that photo. It was one of the only photos I had that really captured us when we truly appeared to be happy. I remember deciding that no matter what, Papa John would know that it was given with the best intentions. Out of all of the photos in the dark cherry shadow frame box, Papa John pulled that one out and put it on his refrigerator.

It seems odd to some people. Tell a man of interest, even if you’ve been with him over a year, that you want to introduce them to your ex’s family. It doesn’t go over awfully well. It’s a hard sell to say the least. Anyone that wants to be part of my life will have to be okay with being a part of theirs. That’s just how it has to be. I can say, my ex’s dad, my ex’s stepmother, my ex’s grandfather. Who cares? They have been my family since day one. I hardly knew Miss Kaye when I hysterically cried outside on a bench at the Wise Pharmacy as she wrapped an arm around me and told me, “It’s selfish of us but we want you to stay.” I remember thinking, Wow. She’s honest. I like that.

We should have seen Papa John more. There is no excuse. I knew that he was sick. I didn’t go. That’s selfish. We are driving to Lynchburg on Tuesday to his burial. I’ve never been to a funeral other than my mothers.

Man, life is sooooo short. Don’t let anyone make the rules for you, and don’t live in a box that someone else created. Heck, break out of the box that you’ve created yourself.

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Because of all of this talk about stocks I felt like I had to write.

Here’s how I see it. This is probably the only time we will see an economy this bad in our lifetime, at least when we are at the age that we may be able to take advantage of it.

People are shocked when they find out that my girlfriend, Thea, and I have both been buying stock. How can you afford it, they ask? The thing that most people do not realize is that the market is so low right now that it’s the only time I will probably ever be able to really afford it.

I do not invest what I can’t afford to live without.
I do not invest what I’m not okay losing.

I put in $60.00 a pay period and any extra cash I might get. The $60.00 a pay period is nothing I wouldn’t blow if I didn’t automatically put back.

Now, I pay between $4.00 and $10.00 when I buy stock. I use Sharebuilder. I own almost 7500 shares of Sirius (SIRI). Could they go under? Yes. Did they almost? Yes. If they make it –I obviously think they will- I will be one happy camper in five to ten years. I plan to keep buying their stock until it goes up tremendously or I hit 10,000 shares, whatever comes first.

I also started buying Nacel Energy (NCEN). It is an American company that also does things overseas. I did a lot of research on windmill companies before I decided to dump my money into them. I thought about GE and John Deere. The problem is that they do soooooo many things. I wanna invest in the windmill makers, not farm equipment or credit. One of the things I found totally cool about Nacel is that they have something called WindVest. I believe this is they way of the future.

Could I lose it all? Yes. I would have blown it on beer, DVDs or eating out if I didn’t put it in the market. Maybe in five to ten years I will be able to pay off my house and whatever car I own and be in a good position to further pursue my dreams. Either way, I’m helping the economy and probably my health. This is probably the only time in my life that I will be able to afford a decent amount of stocks. I figure I have a better chance making some money doing this than buying lottery tickets.

I don’t get all the negativity around it.

I stole this idea from Tanessa.

100 things I’m grateful for in 2008

1. I feel head over heals in love.
2. I got two homemade blueberry cheesecakes on my birthday.
3. I got to spend an afternoon on a farm and hang out with cows.
4. I had someone to share Valentines with for the first time in eight years.
5. I got to go to Nashville and see a concert.
6. I went to the Hard Rock Café TWICE.
7. I got a Sharpie from the Universe.
8. I got to spoil two little girls.
9. I got to hold their little hands and tickle their feet.
10. I had a water balloon fight.
11. I gave more than I could afford to give.
12. I spent a day at Guest River Gorge.
13. I was able to buy John a fancy skate board.
14. I was able to buy John a 360.
15. I get to witness my son play guitar. He is actually getting really great.
16. He tries to learn songs I like so he can play them for me.
17. He has broadened his musical tastes since he started playing guitar. He even enjoys Mark Broussard.
18. John went to his first concert.
19. I have had Kevin, Cody, and Nick all over on more than one occasion.
20. They open up to me.
21. I got to spend the day at Tumblin’ Creek with Thea and Elmer.
22. We took lots of pictures of wildflowers.
23. I got a new camera that I love.
24. John takes photos constantly with my year old Fuji camera.
25. John, Cody, Nick, and Kevin made a Jackass video that cracked me up.
26. John and I started having game nights.
27. We played Scatagories.
28. I learned to play Rook.
29. I kicked somone’s ass at Battleship. I only had one miss… No kidding.
30. I watched a lot of Friends.
31. John and I went to a good deal of movies together this year.
32. John is happier at his new school.
33. I really connected with old friends online.
34. I met some really wonderful new friends online from all over the States.
35. Thea came down to spend time with me, John, Oddie, Oreo, and The Cuteness.
36. I got to barbeque with Bill and Kaye.
37. We played Hillbilly Golf.
38. A friend weed eated my lawn.
39. A friend barbequed for me multiple times.
40. I got to dress up like a druid and spend the night in the woods.
41. I got to drink blueberry moonshine when I was sick.
42. I got to drink apple cinnamon moonshine on a clear night by a fire outside.
43. I got to play Guitar Hero.
44. I got to play Rock Band.
45. I got wildflowers.
46. I got chocolates.
47. I had someone do my laundry for me and fold my clothes nicely.
48. I got sweet little notes and emails for no reason at all.
49. I had breakfast, lunch, and dinner cooked for me on multiple occasions.
50. The Pepperoni Pounder is still available at Giovanni’s.
51. I got two dozen lavender roses for no reason at all.
52. I learned to read tarot cards.
53. I learned to read oracle cards.
54. I connected with my spirit guide.
55. I made three commercials that are actually showing somewhere on chick channels.
56. I got to go to a mall more than once.
57. I went to Bath and Body Works.
58. I made lots of jewelry.
59. I burned many candles.
60. I learned to truly meditate.
61. I finally got to watch Snow Angels after years of waiting for it to come out on DVD.
62. I watched Deepak Chopra.
63. I watched What The Bleep Do We Know?
64. I watched a six or seven disc special on The Sting Theroy.
65. The Super Atom Smasher was unveiled.
66. I was told me script was fabulous and full of emotion.
67. I had my heart absolutely broken.
68. I can feel! I can feel!
69. I was introduced to the music of Lelia Broussard.
70. I was introduced to the music of Kerli Koiv.
71. I saw the Cure sing on Jay Leno.
72. I got to drive with the top down on December 27th.
73. I got to act like I was twelve.
74. Thea got to act like she was thirteen.
75. John made me laugh so much I thought I would cry.
76. I finally stopped to take a picture of the barn that I love.
77. I finally opened up to my dad and cried on the phone to him.
78. I finally opened up and cried to Thea on the phone.
79. I got so many hugs.
80. I was told that when I smile it brightens the whole room.
81. I got special gifts from people I wasn’t expecting anything from.
82. I got cards from people that I’ve never even met in person.
83. I finally sold at least one book on Barnes and Noble.
84. My water pipes didn’t break in 2008.
85. Nothing of importance broke in 2008. Yippee!
86. I got a great evaluation at work.
87. I was told that the name Brandy has become a verb.
88. I partied with people that I didn’t really know previously.
89. I slept in my car with a girlfriend.
90. She tinkered.
91. I giggled softly.
92. I got to watch children ride bikes.
93. I got to watch children feed ducks.
94. I got to watch children at a playground.
95. I got to look at the midnight sky, wrapped in a blanket on a back porch after I was spent.
96. I got to spend Thanksgiving with Dot, Elmer, Thea, Josh, Emma, Jenny, and Jim.
97. Thea finally has money to live decent on.
98. I got to see and hear Pearl Jam sing Reign Over Me.
99. I was instantly back home.
100. I got goose bumps all over my body.

2009, here I come!!

Cindy Callinsky

The first card, Significator, definitely represents you. During your pursuit to find yourself you have dealt and continue to deal with psychological battles. The journey has brought you extreme intelligence and knowledge. This is because throughout your pursuit you have been open-minded enough to take all things into consideration. You have read, practiced, and tried many different things… so much so that you’ve become a sort of expert at it.

Card two reiterates the fact that you have to take control of the direction(s) your mind takes. You know what your True Will is; now you have to give into it. Take control, utilize and direct the POWER of your mind and get going. You over think things which is a way to skate around the real issues. Just do it.

Card three reinforces the fact that you are sooooooo close to achieving your goals. Stop fighting it. Let the river whisk you away.

Card four brings to mind our conversation about your job and you feeling like you don’t work as hard as you should, yet your superior firmly believes you to be of the utmost value to the company. You have worked hard for what you have earned and you deserve it, but do not EVER use it as something to hide behind. Your job is just that, a way to earn money. It does not define you as a person, and it’s not your life. It’s just a vehicle that offers you security. It does not offer an excuse to not pursue your true passion or True Will.

Card five is what you truly want. It makes sense that it’s the Empress. It signifies you truly want a loving husband and beautiful children, which are both on their way to you as a matter of fact. You know that the balancing of your power and trusting your instincts are extremely important and are the way to what you are looking for.

Card six makes it clear that continuing to open up and dissect your past is the right thing to do. That’s what is really gonna allow you to understand that now is what’s important. In doing what feels right at every given moment you possibly can, you are directing yourself down the road that was meant for you and only you.

The seventh card is you. At first glance I thought it was XXXX, but I definitely feel that it is you. It’s really self explanatory. You are naturally intuitive and you attune to the needs of others. That’s what makes people fall in love with you. However, you do not commit to anything that may offer a super deep connection. You are caring and loving. You only wish to protect yourself.

Card eight shows someone that has a strong influence on your situation. I don’t really know who it is. I’m sorry. It represents someone who has made boundaries and created her own world. She is often alone with her intellect and enjoys freedom in a small way. She has sacrificed a lot to achieve what she wants most, and the person has no regrets over the choices she has made. She is firm and comfortable with the path she has chosen.

Card nine makes me feel that you are fearful of this journey. That’s a no brainer. We both already knew that. You need to continue to explorer your creativity. Try different things until you find something that really makes you tick. Something that makes you feel wonderful. Don’t think about it sooooo much. It doesn’t have to be analyzed or decided on. It’s not a mountain; it’s a little piece of sand. Don’t make something out of nothing. Try it without thinking about it and then decide if it’s something you want to continue on with or not.

The last card tells me that you will still be delving into your past more. You may feel that you have done this a lot already, but it shows me you will start to gain some understanding from the journey. You may KNOW that there really is no past, but I’m not sure that you totally get it yet. You keep looking for answers that don’t really matter. It’s the rabbit hole again. It will continue on until you just stop and say, “Then didn’t matter. It never will matter because I cannot change it and in focusing on it I’m losing out on my now, which is the only thing that will have a direct impact on my future now’s.”

Cindy Callinsky

and ride a cowb- I mean a horse of course.